Friday, February 15, 2008

the city lights are bright enough to blind me.


I haven't left my room in days. (weeks?)


Or else I left it last night but cannot remember why. It is hard to remember the significance of the outside.

It was bitterly cold here. (But now I have my windows open. To help the osmosis of the right and wrong smokes from my room.) One morning it was even snowing a little. Things like this make it harder to remember how to wake up.

Finally the boss switched my day to Monday, I guess calling out 2 weeks out of 3 was finally enough of a hint. So that's why I'm posting today.

I'm a little sick of the here and now right now. I feel a little stuck in space and time. Or, it has begun to feel more like a trap than an inevitability. I spend a lot of time thinking about being elsewhere, and then a lot of time scorning myself for thinking I am not strong enough to be elsewhere. (And I don't know how to tell the weakest Valkyrie that since I cannot see her all the time I would rather never again.)

So Philly is the same without you, only bleaker, colder and more mechanical. Without any sense of chaos, a serenely functioning capitalist automaton where we have no future but to work until we die and to steal from our neighbors until we get ahead. Where childhood visions of fat bank accounts come with diamond chains. (Beautiful/unbreakable.) A twisted staircase towards fascism.

Or it could be that's just what's happening in my head. Looking forward to hearing from you and the town of comedians,


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