But I feel alive and I feel it in me up and up I keep on climing higher and higher and higher

A, bro, you know exactly how to make me laugh! I'm just out the boxing gym on my way home. It's 10pm and I'm beat sitting on the 60min train ride in my gym wear. I printed your post at work. This is the best kind of reading:)

I'm just seeing your horrified face reading about the hysterical date that I recently had. Haha! ya I'm glad I know the woman crazy right off the bat. The more I think of it, she made it real easy for me to quickly spit it all out before tasting anything more. I'm kinda grateful for the e-mail lol. Maybe coz I know I'm right. Thanks for your affirmation.

The good old Dalahk... I remember hugging you and hanging onto you like a dangling ear ring. I remember Jessye doing bridges and throwing a beer bottle and hitting some guy's car. Good fucking times. lol. On the downside I do remember feeling uneasy at Dalahk when Rachel was getting a fix of coca from some guy at the bathroom.

Ah Philly... the bittersweet.

Good to know West Philly and the things I'm fond of are still there. I remember waking up in West Philly many times... !! Many mornings on Jessye and Jess' old porch smoking cigarettes. I remember the coffee shop... was it called Satellite? I remember listening to the song Satellite in your car driving to West Philly in the morning to have coffee. Bumping into Corrine... I liked Corrine. I liked hanging out and getting stoned in West Philly. I liked the communal feeling.

As you might have sensed, I must admit that I still feel a stab right through my rib cage whenever I hear that name Rachel. I wish it would go away. My mind needs to reconstruct some memory associations. I am happy to hear she is well. It's the truth. The last I heard from her was when she left Cambodia and I don't know what she was going through but she did not sound happy, so no news is good news:)

Alyssa!!!!!!!!!! I did not see that coming at all! That Alyssa would be out in West Philly Dyke Dance Party!!! That is so awesome! And as much as I wish I was able to be out and about with you, I really wish I was there to party with Alyssa. It has been so long since I last saw her letting loose. Hahaha, I'm so glad you finally went out after not partying at all this summer!

What are Kim and Jessye up to these days besides West Philly Dake Dance Party? I really miss everyone and Philly man. Do you have any idea how much???? Ahhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrr. I miss you!

Hey man good to hear things are looking up there:) Keep it coming right?!?! I'm looking forward to hear about your full time position and just about your life man.

---That was from a scribble I did on the train home on Thursday. I read your Fall, 2008 letter Friday night and Kim is right in saying that we are all going to do something great with our lives.

Last weekend was a long weekend (5days holiday from Sat - Wed). I worked Sat, so mine was 4 days but still it was awesome! I had planned since last year that I'd use this holiday and my paid vacation to visit Philly... (it will happen soon enough!) If only things go as you plan... not always the truth.


Well a new plan was made short notice. Aki came over to Takarazuka!! She is working in Tokyo right now, so is everyone I know from school. Robin is also in Tokyo looking for work. I urged him to come with Aki but he needed to get ready for his trip to China. He has an interview and might start working there.


Aki came over Sunday night. I went to pick her up at the airport and we chilled at Takaraz. I had never explored around my neighborhood but there are cool places like bars and little restaurants. We had dinner at a River side Italian place then went to a Mexican Bar I found, then called it a night. On Monday I had planned to hook up with my friend Mie who I went to jr. high and high school with. If you remember Naoko who's also my high school mate who studied at Temple Main, she's close with both Aki and Mie and they all live in Tokyo. So Naoko has been wanting to get Aki and Mie to meet. So it was cool that it finally happened, and through me:) We went to Kobe Chinatown for lunch and pigged out. Then walked to the bay area and went on a little cruise around the bay. That was actually quite nice, it felt so good.

Yo I know my description doesn't sound so hot right now coz I'm thinking in Japanese in my head and it just doesn't feel natural. I usually think in English when I write English, but for some reason brain is on Japanese drive at the moment... okay well let's continue.

We walked around for ages around Kobe but still felt stuffed from lunch, so we kept walking and the girls wanted to look at clothes. Although we did spend the longest time in lingerie store.lol. Mie kinda surprised me - I really liked her and got along with her for a long time but was never attracted to her before - I found her to be very attractive this time I met her. So strange, coz we know each other since we were little 14 year old brats. We are 25 now and I couldn't believe myself lol. Then I remembered about what you were saying about P and falling for the most convenient catch...

Well Mie left around 8 coz she had early appointment the next day. Aki and I continued to wander around Kobe some more. Still not hungry but tried to look for a good place to have dinner. I love walking around. That's how I got familiar with Philly... well Center City n the night life. I remember Heidi, Nygia, Devon girls would make fun of me walking all the time. To Sisters, back to Chinatown apartment. They said I was like an African Tribe person... lol

So we walked around Kobe and I loved it, but Aki probably thought can we not walk anymore?! We ended up in a small Korean restaurant which was very authentic. Had cold sweet Korean rice wine called Makkori served out of a kettle. It was so nice and easy to drink we had two kettles lol! On our way home, I kept having to wake Aki up to change trains lol, and when we finally got home she passed out on the floor in my room! I was like, alright Aki I let you take a nap while I jump in the shower and then you can freshen up with a shower too and we can have girl talk lol. But she never woke up really... she'd open her eyes when I talked to her and said she was getting up hahaha. She then said the ceiling was spinning. I gave her some water. Yo we gotta have some Makkori together man! hahaha. Then I smoked and watched TV, Rocky 2 was on so I was like damn that's Italian market!! and also passed out in front of the TV... when I woke up around 3am and went to bed, Aki was still in her jeans passed out. Gave her some abuse the next morning for being a bum lol! it was funny.

The next day Aki wanted to take a walk around my place. There's a river right along and rice fields and little farms up the mountain. You see now why my commute is like an hour and a half. It's really nice though, I have to admit. I've thought I want to move out and live in the city so many times, but I've also thought how glad I was to be living away from the city seeing so many little insects and creatures including geji. haha. In the summer a colorful lizard would surprise me by jumping out the bush when I'm walking to the station. See a river crab coming out and being run over by a bike leaving it's flat corpse on the little street.

So we walked around and Aki was picking up acorns off the ground and putting them in her pocket. Hahaha, she said they don't have them that big in Tokyo... (To be continued)

Hey Bro, I have more to write but it's getting late I need go to bed. Will update soon!

Love and Peace
K

Letter to K, Fall 2008

Hey! It's been almost a week since I posted, so I thought I'd input this unsent letter I wrote you - geeze, almost a year ago now. Specific date unclear, but it looks to have been right after Thanksgiving last year. Funny how much has changed since then!


Keiko,

I'm sitting here in my armchair in my room (we've moved the old TV back upstairs for the winter. It's weird, writing you in pen...it's so permanent - I can't just go back and erase. Well, maybe this will be a draft. If I fuck it up I'll just have to start again...

Your letter may have been the best thing to happen to me all year. Primarily because, as years go, 2008 is a real stinker. It started off all right - with the experiment and, even after you left I had some good times with Zayne, stoner road trips, drinking champagne and tanning on the roof...when she left it really sunk in how many friends I'd lost track of in the course of the last couple years. It blows.

Anyway, it was really great to get your letter. RE: writing emails in your head: maybe we're both a little bit crazy! It was so great to read that line. Nothing helps a feeling of disconnect like hearing that my bro feels the same way I do even half a world away.

It was also great to hear that you miss my poems - maybe that sounds conceited, but that's not my intention. I've been writing pretty sparsely, still. If you thought I was becoming a shriveled-up hack when I was unemployed and stoned all the time, you should see what I've become now that I have this job. I work 40+ hours a week but I have no benefits. Lots of overnight shifts. On one hand, it's great that I basically get paid to surf the net for 8 hours at a time; on the other hand, more often than not I'm ready to stab myself in the face out of boredom, and it's damn hard to find "job satisfaction" when you're doing a job that quite frankly ANYTHING WITH OPPOSABLE THUMBS could do. Heck, if you took the mouse and keyboard out of the equation a prawn could probably do it.

So between that and my dearth of friends, not to mention a dearth of free time in which to see the others who work 9-5 jobs (Kim and Jessye), it has been a tad difficult to feel inspired lately. For more on my particular feelings of stagnation and desperation, if you haven't been you can check out my Myspace blog. I've been fiddling around with that again.

Angst aside, it isn't as if 2008 didn't have its salvagable moments. We went to the beach with Rich for a couple of days, but got so fucked up sunburnt that we were too tire to get fucked up drunk and go on the rides. And we made a separate, more mellow beach trip with Brian the Boy at the end of the summer.

So there's that. Missed you at Thanksgiving. Me, Ste, my brother and his friend were smoking a spliff out back and my Aunt Lisa came outside. I offered her a hit and she just said "Oh, you don't know how long it's been!" And started smoking with us. LOL! And telling us this story about her college friend who was a fisherman and how he found BALES of mota floating in the bay, and she got 4 of them and spread them out all over her room to dry.

You should have been there, it was HILArious.

I guess I'd better wrap up this letter, huh? It's getting to be an epic. I guess,in closing, thanks for reminding me that I should be dreaming big things for the future. It's really hard when I live without joy 5 days a week and am still struggling to pay all my bills. Kim said all of us were going to do great things with our lives; I replied, "Yeah, right. How?"

She just said, "You want to be a writer, right? So write things."

So my new project is trying to believe in the optimism you guys possess. It would be so much easier if we were all still close by. Missing you always, and looking forward to our epic fucking reunion,

-Allyn

(PS - I don't know about "poetry," but I'm enclosing some scribblings I composed to you and all my absent friends. Hope you approve.)

And the following was LITERALLY some scribblings I had done one morning when I woke up, so don't expect greatness, here. LOL.

i miss this.

waking up with words on my lips and friends in my room.

i miss mornings and sunsets and bob marley spliffs.

i miss grass and i miss rock and i miss rock and roll.

i miss fresh water and fair-weather friends, i miss wood and incense and blown glass

i miss cats and light in the dark and warmth in the cold.

i miss pressure and release.

i miss them, and i want them back. days back.

fall back, i miss lockstep and winter and summer and spring and i miss doing bad things at good times.

i miss knowing everyone and being seen.

and being scene. LOL.

for that matter, i miss when "laugh out loud" meant something and i miss dappled shade.

i fucking miss you.

i miss the stone works and the rock garden and the commune and the road and i fucking miss missing things and i miss parties and planning parties but not as much as i miss parties that are totally unplanned.

i miss that night. you know the one.

i miss us then, and i miss you now.

i miss unemployment even though i don't miss being poor. i miss playing hookey. i miss sour mix and i miss bourbon and i miss shiraz.

i miss ashtrays and rummy and rum.

say hello to my riesling life (and vodka nights).

I don't feel like dancin' when the old Joanna plays...

Oh, Keiko. Keiko, Keiko, Keiko.

That really is hysterical (and shitty) about your date. Reading your email exchange (both on Sunday and again today) I went back and forth between looking horrified (like, "Bitch, please!) and laughing smugly at this person who took it upon herself to tell you about yourself. And that pretty much sums up my reaction:

Bitch, please!

It sounds like you jumped on the crazy train to bad date-ville when you met up with her. A) of all - who is so much of a hater that the first thing she is gonna tell you after your date is that you had ugly shoes?? Thas crazy. Thas crazy. She crazy.

I obviously don't know as well as you but it sounds like you got another one fresh off the lesboat. I mean, to quote at length:

i have been going through a very difficult stage,trying to explore something in me, trying to be authentic and i feel so alone, alienated, scared and confused. so confused... and i had these ridiculous expectations that last night would clarify everything for me, that what im feeling would suddenly make sense

It's like, gee, Nevenka, you were hoping that this one first date with a person you met for 5 seconds in a dark bar was going to clarify everything for you? Well, no fucking pressure then, I wonder how the date could possibly have gone wrong?

I mean it sounds to me like all she wanted was to have sex with you so she could figure out if she was gay. Like you said in your response to her, why else would she invite you over to her place if, as she claims, you made her feel like crap the whole time?

You're spot on talking about her not being able to accept partial responsibility for the bad date. If she needs to send a nasty email full of haterade after a date just because she didn't get laid at the end, then she is a deeply immature person, which is really sad for someone who's 28. But I guess if she's going through some angsty coming out shit it makes sense that she'd be acting like a high school girl who just got turned down for the prom. Damn.

Anyway, those are my feelings on THAT shit. And in the long run, you're much better off knowing she crazy right off the bat - I mean, god forbid, you might have tried to be friends with her or something, and who knows what drama she could have spun from that. Oh, and one final thing: "that you identify yourself as a "butch" lesbian - was not a problem for me - you still manage to be really hot and sexy" ??

Like your gender identity was some sort of obstacle you needed to overcome in order to be attractive? Blrlrllrbbrlbrbrbl <<[Ed. note: this is the sound of me having a WTF seizure]

Bitch, PLEASE.

All right, I'm really done this time, lol. So, Saturday! I got out of work at 8 and headed to West Philly, to where Kim is living now, in one room of a huge house owned by a couple of friends of hers. Jessye came over, and we sampled some variable and listened to the Scissor Sisters (my new fave band EVER, btw) and tried to figure out a woman all three of us agreed was gorgeous. I had many suggestions, needless to say, but the only person we could all agree on was Rashida Jones.

Anyway. LOL. We left for Elena's, where the dance party is, around 11. We were headed upstairs, Kim in front, when all of a sudden she turns around and starts pushing us back down the stairs, whispering "It's empty, just go, go, go." For real, dude there were only like 2 people up there with the bartender and the DJ, it was kind of sad, lol. And we left the house specifically so we'd get there fashionably late!

So we went to Dalahk for a little while. It would have been nicer if it wasn't drizzling, but even so there were mad people there, even out back and we had no place to sit. Still, I was determined to get my drink on because I wanted to dance, and you know me and the whole lowered inhibitions thing. So I downed a Jim Beam and Coke, and then a couple of Jack and Cokes when they ran out of Jim lol. Oh, Dalahk!

A couple of notes on the drinkery situation: one, I'm getting away from drinking vodka all the time. I spent too many nights and too much money guzzling vodka for hours and never once feeling drunk until I would lay down and get the bedspins. I think maybe at this point my body doesn't recognize the difference between vodka and the blood coursing through my veins? Dunno, It's a mystery for another time. For now, though I'm a-stickin' to whiskey and the occasional tequila. But the second note is re: Dalahk: their prices came down again man! I paid $3 for the Jim and Coke and only $3.75 for the Jack. It's just like the good old days! Ahhh!

Haha, so after about a half hour of drinking we headed back to Elena's to see if shit ever jumped off over there, and wouldn't you know the place was packed with dykes. I don't get it, it's like all of West Philly Dykedom decided to get there at exactly 11:45pm. But whatever, it was poppin! Me and Jessye did Jack shots and I switched to beer. We danced when the music was good, and snuck out for cigarettes when it blew. We ran into Rachel and her gf, Linda, who both live in West Philly now, and YOU WILL NEVER GUESS. So I'm dancing and someone taps me on the shoulder and says "Hey, Allyn" and makes this gesture with open arms, like "It's me!" It was so dark all I could see was short dreads, and I was drunk and yelled "I can't make out your face!" And then she moved into the light and it was ALYSSA!!!

Yay!!! I was so super thrilled to see her again! Especially out and about, after her whole crazy thing with Kepa and being all super-Christian and wearing long drab skirts or whatever was up with that!! And as it turns out, the reason her dreads were so much shorter is she chopped them all off when she dropped Kepa. So now she's living with Rachel. We also ran into Corrine (who by the way looked all the fuck strung out or something) and Kistine and Johnny - you know, all those West Philly queers who are at every damn West Philly queer thing lol.

Anyway, they turned the lights on at like 1:50 - lame! But Linda invited me and Kim (Jessye had crapped out long ago) back to her apartment to keep drinking. So we shot the shit - as best we could, being most of us fairly smashed - and listened to music and Linda opened like 3 bottles of wine and poured us some absinthe. Eventually, Rachel passed out sitting in her chair, and Alyssa gave me a ride back to Kim's place. And OMG! You remember how we made each other mix CDs way back when? Well she had mine in her car stereo! LOL! And we just kept drunk babbling about how awesome we each think the other one is, and she was talking about how if Rachel ended up moving out, she wants me to be her roommate. I was just like, hell yeah! Maybe I won't end up living in my parents house forever! Haha. And it's even something I can start thinking about when I get bumped to full time.

Anyway, I seem to have written you something of an encyclopedia here. I guess that's what I get for not writing all week. Nothing much is up in other news. I continue to be doing well with my diet and exercise routine, although that, too, will be much easier when I have a regular work schedule (be still my heart!). I hope things are going well with you, after you rightly decided to spit that shit out after the date, lol. Any new adventures? Mischief? Holla back bro!

Things are looking up in the City of Brotherly Love,

-Bito

My horrible date, for your entertainment

Hey Allyn,

I met with the e-mail girl from the club I told you about the other day. We met for dinner on Saturday, and nothing became of it-was my view.

I didn't remember what she looked like, but from her e-mail I thought we'd at least have things in common to talk about. She is 28 from South Africa and had studied philosophy and journalism. I thought we could talk about philosophy etc. lol.

At dinner, she asked me questions non-stop and gave me the looks. Sort of like an endearing stare. Which would have been sweet in a different situation, but was very freaky on a first date. She had also said that when she saw me at the club last week, she thought that I had a "Fuck all, I don't care" kinda atmosphere and very much like Shane from the L word. and that that was very hot and sexy. hahaha!! Then it was getting pretty late, so she asked me if I had any plans later. I wanted to go to this gay bar called Frenzy, coz I'm friends with the owner I just wanted to say hi. Of course I asked her if she wanted to join me for a drink. Manners right?

I also stated that I had to catch the last train so don't intend stay so long. Then she said her gay friends were going to a costume karaoke place and she wasn't sure if she wanted to go coz they'd stay out all night. She asked if I did karaoke, and I just said no coz I didn't feel like it.

In the most awkward timing, she said, "Or if you want, you can stay at my place."

After I said I have to go home tonight, she suddenly bacame even more awkward and insisted that she pay for dinner because she totaly asked me out. I felt bad so I said of course I'll pay half but she didn' let me. And all through walking her to the station, she was very awkward and jumpy.

I said bye, and went to Frenzy mingling with the gay men. It was all men last night lol. Then I was drunk so became lazy to leave to catch the last train. My friend picked me up at the bar and I smoked this thing called Spice Diamond in his van. It's illegal in the States but sold in Europe and Japan legaly. It's meant to be burned as an incent, but gives the same kinda high as mj when smoked lol. Stopped at another bar and went home.

Sunday, at about noon I wake up. Still lying in bed I see that I have a text message from the girl that read:

"dear keiko

last night was the worst date of my life-not because it was with a woman,but because it felt like i was with the most typical self-absorbed, narcissistic man

ok-so you were clearly not attracted to me-perhaps i was too "fem" for you(or whatever else?) but do you know that the whole night you only asked me 1 question-how long hav u been in japan?

to be honest, i thought your shoes were ugly and i hav a policy not to date smokers (only realized when we met u were one) ...but i still had the manners to engage with you and well try get to know the keiko beyond the unhealthy habit and bad taste in shoes!

i have never left a date feeling so unrecognisedand so insignificant as i did last night-i guess drained would be the right word... i used to think that it was only men who could spend the whole night talking about themselves-without reciprocating a single question. clearly i was wrong.
that you identify yourself as a "butch" lesbian -was not a problem for me-you still manage to be really hot and sexy...but i think its a pity that you have also taken on the qualities that make men so undesirable. last night i wanted to go on a date with a woman but it felt like i was on a date with a man (of the worst kind)

i guess i came to this date with unrealistic expectations...well... i thought that if there werent a mutual attraction (which clearly there wasnt) at least we could still be friends...intellectually i find you fascinating and we seem to have some common interests ... however i already have so many "i-specialists" in my life here...it would be unhealthy to add another one.

i am sorry and disappointed that it didnt work out and i hope the next person you meet you wont judge so quickly.
there is so much more to me than you allowed yourself to see.

anyway-all the best-i hope we both find what we are looking for...
take care

nevenka"

At first I was like huh? and then realized that I must have obviously shown my disinterest in her. I was speechless! I seriously felt bad that this woman was so upset. At the same time I was glad that she brought it to my attention. But then when I was writing a response, I was like this woman crazy! So my response was as below:

"thank you nevenka.for last night and for ur comments.

i have never been judged so harshly in my life.i am sincerely sorry that u felt all that negativity.you are a beautiful woman w an interesting background.a free spirit.confident and comfortable in ur own skin.

to b honest, i did not feel comfortable at all.i tried to act like i was.and just talked about myself.

but i was not judging u.and did not realize that u were judgin me in n out.im glad i did not go home w u.if i made u feel unrecognized and so insignificant, why did u offer me to stay w u? just to feel worse?

i appreciate ur comment.those r ur words not mine.and surely wil not b a part of me.but i take it as a bad review and u r a harsh judge.

at least i will not blame the other person for a bad date..

i expect not to hear from u.

i would say hi if i ever run into u.

bye

keiko"

It occured to me that clearly this woman have insecurity issues. So I thought that I should write something nice, although somethings she said were like kinda stuck up. and what the fuck she mean by too "fem"!!? Why would I not like her because of that? lol. And I did not say anything about butch lesbian... lol, she fuckin categorized me. that really pissed me off. and then my shoes lol! I was wearing Tims... some people may think they are ugly boots but I like them so she can piss off. I felt no mercy by this time. Too bad it was a bad date but I have no mercy for a self-pittiful person and especially one who wants to blame it on others.

What do you think bro? So much for tasting new food ey? hahaha. Man, people can be craaaaazy right? I just wanted to share this with you. I know you'd be entertained! :)

"dear keiko

i am sincerely sorry for sending that email and when i woke up this morning and realised what i had said-i was so embarrassed at how impulsive and nasty i was. please know that it was out of character for me and am ashamed at how cutting my comments were...there is no excuse for my email but please know that i was incredibly upset last night...i have been going through a very difficult stage,trying to explore something in me, trying to be authentic and i feel so alone, alienated, scared and confused. so confused... and i had these ridiculous expectations that last night would clarify everything for me, that what im feeling would suddenly make sense...instead i left feeling absolutely broken and more confused and scared than ever...

dont worry, i doubt thatour paths will cross again soon-im not planning on haning out in doyama again-i dont think i belong or perhaps im just not ready...but if we do ever bump into eachother i will of course say hi...im so sorry for dragging u into my dark world and for making my problem yours!

its not necessary to reply to this email...too much has been said and too much damage has been done.

im really sorry.

good bye and take care

nevenka"

So that was my date this weekend... anything good on your end?

Peace and Love,

k

ps. sorry i know i already sent this to you like last night but thought it's pretty blog-worthy lol!

I'm rich, bitch!

Well, not really but I did get promoted to fucking FULL TIME today!! What?!? I'm finally at the place in my career that you were at more than a year ago - lol. So go me.

The promotion won't kick in till the end of the month, when we start running beta sites for our new Canadian markets. Yeah, "beta" meaning I get to report on Canadian traffic for a whole month before our clients start using the information. A whole month - no consequences. Which would be super-amazing if I really felt like there were ever any consequences for slacking off at this job (obvies not).

Plus my diet and increased physical activity goals are going well. I mean we're only a couple weeks in at this point, but it's longer than I've ever gone without giving up on this sort of thing in my life. I even got my ass on the exercise bike this morning BEFORE WORK. WHO AM I???

Haha, so needless to say I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. I was taking a cigarette break and thinking to myself "this time next year, I'm gonna be skinny and rich!" ...neither of which is really true of course, probably closer to "next time this year I'll be a curtain of sagging skin and won't default on my loans!"

But, you know, better than fat and poor! LOL. Tomorrow night I'm going to a queer dance party at Elena's bar at 49th and Baltimore. You know the story - same dykes, different day. But at least I'll be with my people and I'll get to dance. Did I mention I went the whole summer without getting crunk and dancing? WTF is that? Unacceptable is what. So tomorrow I party.

I'll post more after the weekend - about the party and whatnot - and also transcribe that old letter I wrote you last Thanksgiving (but never sent - my bad!).

-Don Bito

PS - I feel pretty over the whole P thing. I'm just going stir-crazy, sex-wise. Hardly a surprise. Glad to have you to vent with for 5 hours on FB chat!

I'll move to Paris shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars

Brotherly Love,

It's so good to hear from you.
Un-fuckin-blievably good!
Let me just start out by saying that I have couple pages of letter I meant to send around your B-day....And just that I always think about you.
In my mind, I'm always telling you about my day, weekend, happnenings, episodes.

I cannot blieve a year, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes have passed. That we actually let that much time pass by between us? Thank you for initiating to write again! I just want to say I think about you, about Philly, about 1722, and the roof so much. In my free time, that's all I think about lol. And the future of course.

I want to visit Philly so much. And it may sound bad, but I'm probably not going to be able to visit this fall... or even within year 2009 seems difficult right now. Let me explain.

I am at the same company, and getting used to the way things work around here. Basically I got bored... lol! Coz I was starting to get arrogant, like thinking I'm better than some people at work. And getting bored with the way people trying to limit me, and make me think like I'm wrong coz they've been working longer etc. So I was getting really angry, and was using ya know our favorite substance. Then I just had the crazy idea to change departments. So currently I am in the transition from client services to claims department. I got tired of the environment I was in, so looked to change it, and found the way lol. I don't know yet as I'm only in transition but I'll be dealing with, hopefully, more variety of medical conditions vs. listening to people complain and trying to please the ones (a.holes!) who complain. there are people out there who does not quit until they get what they want, and their demands are like ridiculous. like hiddiously stupid and unrealistic. So I said that's enough of that... and not that it's gna go away if I changed deparments... but at least I'll be dealing it from a different angel, and different position. I just want to be put in a situation where I have to learn medical conditions and terms.

At the moment I have a lot of shit to get done. Training the new 'keiko' to be at client services, and getting myself trained at claims. I find trainging other people the hardest. I've failed twice already. Well, they both were basically not hired after their trial period so I feel it's partially not so grand training on my part and others. I found it difficult to teach people older than me. But third times a charm, I think this time there is a chemistry and a very qualified person. All this pressure coz I thought changing departments a good idea lol. I really hope so.

Anyways, this is why I am kind of trapped for the next couple months. Really have to fill into the new job, and then I can take some time off I think... well, I will. So X'mas I want to take my first vacation, and my mom has been nagging me about going back to Thailand. I haven't visited since 2000, so I think it will be really good and December is a good time to go to a warm place. If I take couple days off in Dec. I think I can take about 10days to visit the states in March.

I hate to extend since I have been looking forward to go back for sooo long. I think this is the best plan right now tho. Are you still putting some money away for Amsterdam?? I basically work my ass off and save most of my money. Paying some to my parents, and spend on going out. Recently I have invested on being a member of a boxing gym and traingin 3-4 days a week! It's really awesome. I joined in June, and at first went like once a week on saturdays after teaching at school. Then July and August I have been going like almost everyday! I find it really helps me with my anger and stress. I punch everything out on the sand bag! I am properly addicted. Even watch it on youtube, like short boxing lessons clips and women's pro bxoing is hard core! lol It hurts my knuckles n hands rightly bust up now n then but I feel amazing after training! Soaked in sweat and adrenaline pumpin! hahaha

Boxing is my new adventure:) trying to eat healthy again too. Much less alcohol! yeah, so haven't been going out much and not meeting anyone intersting in that way. Meeting many pretty girls here and there, straight and bi. I guess that's my type...? either straight or bi. Not like meeting and always fucking, just meeting. I had an English shaggin buddy over the summer. Got bored so wining down and keepin less in touch but probably will be bumping into eachother now and then. Definitely not looking for a relationship right now. I don't think I can put myself in one anytime soon lol.

There was the girl from high school that suddenly contacted me on facebook. But she needed so much attention, I couldn't give. Never went out seriously just here and there, and knew she always had someone. Like multiple guys. She seems to like the abusive type too, so now she's with a guy who hits her when he gets jealous and angry. He got angry that she was with me and our other friend(!), when she was suppose to meet him lol. We weren't even fucking at that point. He ordered her not to ever see me or contact me and she changed her phone etc. so we are no longer in touch. I could say something on facebook but really don't feel like saying anything at this point. She's just not the type to be trusted, at this point in her life at least. I hope she's happy lol.

Some newly befriended friends, who I met through the crazy girl mentioned above, threw a belated bday party for me last weekend. It was also a bikini party where only myself and the organizer of bikini party was wearing bikinis lol! Anyways, I don't know if you can see my friends album I am tagged in few photos, that's just some of the things I get into. An then hanging out with my boss. The big boss is a Canadian guy, and he is really cool. You'd like him too!

So sad to hear you had to give up your room, and 1722. The roof. But I am happy to hear moving back is going well!! I sometimes can't believe that I am still at my rents, but I am!! And saving a whole bunch that way! But having to commute like hell. When I go to boxing gym after work, I get home at like 11, 12 and have dinner. I know that's like not good diet and I snack on yogurt and protein bar on the way home, but starving by the time I'm home. I've been sick this whole week, so haven't been in the gym at all. I have to go tomorrow, otherwise I'm going mental!

Alright, will write more later! Can you give me the blog password again to this address?

I can't access fb at home! lol

Peace,

k

P.S. I just love that line from Time to Pretend by MGMT lol. I thought it's good idea to stcik with lines from a song for titles.

why you act dumb like uhhh..duhhh

K,

Aaaah! I miss this blog! I realized this when I got bored at work about 2 hours ago and started reading the whole thing from the beginning, lol. Getting to hear from you and knowing what was going on in your life from the blog - well, it may not compare to smoking under our tree, listening to your stories of adventures past - but it has to be the next best thing.

When I go to write it down it feels like so much has been happening! Even though most days I just feel like I'm sitting around waiting for something to happen. But that's not doing justice to my life, and to my summer.

I'm still working at Traffic, even though my hours got cut in half back in April when they laid off half the department. It's been pretty cool, though, because I applied for partial unemployment so good old Uncle Sam has been kicking in (even an extra $50 because of the "economic stimulus package") and I'm making not much less than I was when I was working 40 hours a week...plus I'm not fucking working 40 hours a week!! haha. But actually, just yesterday I interviewed for a full-time position here (the same one i interviewed for in April right before the shitstorm hit) and my boss told me that as far as she's concerned, someone would have to knock me out of a spot in order for me not to get the job. So that sounds good! Although as I told Ste, it's not as if my hopes even have the energy to get up anymore, lol. So with a little luck soon I'll be all full-time and legit and shit.

I've also been talking endlessly about how I'm applying to grad schools for Fall 2010 (for an English PhD) but so far I haven't actually taken any steps toward doing that except figuring out which schools I like. You know I'm a slacker, damn!

Anyway, in more amusing topics...Ste and I went on a road trip to see Rich this summer! I almost couldn't believe I convinced Ste to take 10 days off even as we lit up the j driving through Washngton, DC at dawn! lol. We took a half with us this time and spent much time in Rich's room chillaxin and listening to awesome music or floating in his pool.

But we also took a 3-day trip to Charleston and Savannah and hit up the beaches and gay bars of the South! The Savannah beach was so amazing, man...the water was warm and calm and there were pelicans overhead and even a pod of dolphins swimming only 50 feet out from us! And Charleston and Savannah are just the most charming little towns you could imagine...in Charleston we bought coffee from a shop where these two hippies were sitting playing strange instruments (one of them was just scratching at a pizza box with this little wire thing - it was weird but so much fun)and in Savannah we chased each other through the streets, splashing through sprinklers on the lawns and jumping up to grab the Spanish moss out of the trees...

The trip was a blast, and I was sad to be back, especially since being back meant dealing with all of the moving-out shit. All told, it wasn't too bad...Stephen's new "family" (the older couple he's living with in Sellersville) helped me move my furniture EXTREMELY cheaply in their trailer. They're nice people, and they love me because I can mock Stephen even better than they can lol. But still, it was a sad time having to leave my room (my beautiful room!) and our roof (our beautiful, amazing roof!!) and move in with my parents.

Still, so far I've been getting along with the fam better than I would've thought at the beginning of all of this. In particular, my brother and I have had suspiciously few disagreements and have actually become quite chummy. No doubt this is in part due to our mutual interest in mota haha. We did spend much of the summer smoking and conversating in the backyard, or playing this board game called Settlers of Catan that I became obsessed with.

We also had the company of one of Alex's friends, Phoebe, this baby dyke who lived with us for the summer (since she had to move out of the house she was in, but left at the end of August to study in Tokyo, so she only needed a place to crash for a couple months, and our guest room was free after I moved in officially.) And predictably my unflagging ability to develop an attraction to the most convenient possible person kicked in and I developed something of a crush on her.

You're actually the first person I will have told about this, assuming you read it. What with my history of letting closeness turn into unrequited feelings turn into obsessions, I've become pretty mistrustful of my own feelings. Still, it was nice to have feelings for someone at all, considering the last person I was seriously interested in was Jessye (weird!) and that was, what, 2 years ago? I've become quite an emotional hermit. Out of necessity, I sometimes think.

Anyway, I don't know where the crush thing came from since she's not really my type - at all, in fact - and she's kind of quiet and withdrawn and hard to get to know. I guess my romantic side just got damn bored after a while lol. And I say things like that to myself, and then I wonder if I'm just repressing how I actually feel? I don't fucking know! I swear, I bore myself, lol. And I don't know why I've found it so hard to talk to anyone else about it. I'm worried I'll bore them, too!

Ugh! I miss you! I miss having you as a confidant, as a bad influence, and as someone to influence badly. Remember when we were still in Queer Theory, and we used to sit in the Tech Center while Brit was in class and just talk and joke around? We had so many good fucking times man!

Anyway, I didn't mean to bore you with all of this, lol. But I would love to hear from you more, and I'd be lying if I said I couldn't use the motivation to write more often. Hope things are well in Japan...tell me everything! You still living with the rents? Seeing anybody? Planning a trip stateside? Or to Amsterdam?

Brotherly Love,

-Bito

PS - Unclear what the title has to do with anything...it was just the Missy Elliot lyric that popped in my head when I started writing lol.