Wednesday, October 14, 2009

baby i can see your halo

Yeah so my brother downloaded the Glee soundtrack and I can't get it out of my head. Ahhh! Fortunately, the only side effects are inexplicable peppiness and joy.

So you haven't posted! What's up in Takarazuka? How is the new job going? How is the not smoking going? I'm not quite there yet - in fact, I may be smoking a few more cigarettes a day now that I'm working full time because I can't NOT get out of this room for a few minutes every couple of hours or I'd lose my mind. Still, it's only a rare occasion when I smoke more than 5 or 6 a day, and I can live with that. I remember a few winters ago when we would have people over at the house everyday sparkling, I was up to 2 packs a day - and they were Marlboro Menthols. Ugh! Remember the days when we had nothing to do but smoke cigarettes, and only enough money to buy whatever 2-for-1 deals they had at the 7-11?

Bad times for my lungs.

Speaking of bad times, it's not surprising that you get that stabbing feeling in your ribcage still. Considering how much emotional trauma even I suffered during that time, I can't begin to imagine how you've processed it. I would never wish on anyone what you guys went through, and though I might have been wrong-headed sometimes with my interference, at the time I know we both did what we thought we needed to do. I know you must be scarred from what went down because sometimes I felt like watching what the relationship was doing to my best bro was the hardest thing I've ever done and I tried every way I could think of to protect you.

But not to be a Debbie Downer. I truly believe that time heals all wounds. How could it not? Memories fade and even though you might always remember feeling heartbreak, well, your heart will not always be broken - I suspect it has already put itself back together. Just keep focusing on being you and being happy and before long you will not even recognize the person you were then, and the hurt will will be an old memory, too.

On to lighter topics: I had a FABULOUS weekend. In fact, I intend to make every fucking weekend fabulous now that they're all I have. I know I've only been at this full time business for a week and a half but I've been watching this excellent British sitcom called "Spaced" with my brother, and it makes me miss being unemployed! (shhh - I don't mean it Universe!) It's basically a bizarre British stoner nerd version of FRIENDS. I just get pangs when they party late and wake up in the afternoon with nothing to do but go on wacky missions and hang out with their friends.

How sad is it that life doesn't work that way all the time?

Anyway, my weekend. It's gotten very chilly and autumnal here in Philly so on Saturday I took a long drive through Bucks County with my brother and his friend, Stubbs. Naturally, between each destination we were sure to introduce a new variable. We had breakfast at a diner, I bought a frickin' tie-dye hoody at Quakertown mart, we hiked through a 5-acre corn maze, scouted the Moravian Tile Works in Doylestown for fortifications in the event of a zombie infestation, and got fresh, cold apple cider and cider doughnuts at Styer's Orchard. And the drive was gorgeous - Alex's GPS capabilities on his iPhone let us take the most direct, and extremely scenic, routes.

Sunday was perhaps even more epic. Stephen had canceled on going on the drive with us Saturday to play a funeral, so he agreed to come down after church Sunday and we took the train into the city for Outfest. We brought with us a couple of white iced tea bottles filled to the brim with cheap riesling, of course. Lol. Oh and I ate a variable cookie on the train, too. So by the time we got to the Gayborhood we were already pretty ripped.

We met up with Kim, and continued drinking, wandering around the vendors, dancing to the music and yelling obscenities at the Christian protesters telling us we could achieve heterosexuality through Christ's love. Ha! What was really funny was when they turned the mic over to the gays and let us ask questions. I really wanted to be like "So, if I don't believe in Jesus, I'm going to hell, anyway, right? K, then I think I'll go right along eating pussy. Thx."

But naturally I just hollered at them something about Jesus eating pussy instead. Lol.

We eventually headed over to Tavern On Camac (try to control your shock) to meet up with Laura Spagnioli, better known as L-Spags, Stephen's former French prof. I had met L-Spags once before, this past summer when we were still living in S Philly. Stephen and I started a short-lived tradition called "cafe day" where we would walk to the Good Karma cafe on 22nd St and Pine and sit outside sipping coffee, smoking cigs, and harshly judging passersby.

On this one particular occasion, Stephen had planned to meet with L-Spags alone to discuss an essay for grad school, but when he got to the house in the morning I was still awake after staying up all night smoking and watching TV on DVD. Anyway, he insisted I go with him for coffee since I couldn't risk throwing off my whole sleep schedule by going to bed at 11am, and that's where I met L-Spags who I found to be bright, witty, and just a whole lot of fun. Plus it was good to hang out with an academic type again.

Wow, I think I've been typing this on and off for almost 2 hours. I really need to stop going off on background-info tangents so much, lol!

So back to Outfest: we enjoyed a round of Tequila Sunrises at TOC - which true to TOC form were made with Jose Cuervo and were about 80% tequila, 20% sunrise. DeLIcious. We decided to wander more, but didn't get very far because there was a huge impromptu dance party happening outside of Venture Inn where they had speakers and a DJ booth set up. We danced for a while and saw a vogue contest unfold...then we walked out to Spruce St and promptly got caught up in a street-wide line dance including scantily-clad go-go dancers and ANOTHER vogue contest. As we speak I have pictures of a man's naked ass on my phone because for some drunken reason I thought Stephen would want pics of the go-go dancers for prosperity LOL.

Eventually, it got late and we wrapped up the day with a big, alcohol-absorbing meal with Kim at Bucca di Beppo and caught a train home.

All in all, a pretty epic weekend. On the slate for this weekend, though, is mostly me locking myself in my room and working on grad school applications. As I continually lament, I am woefully behind in the process - but in reality, there's just not THAT much work to do, so I am going to make a push and hopefully by this time next week I will be feeling prepared and on top of things. (Of course I will take a few work breaks - to hold a Glee marathon with Ste on Friday night, and hang out with Matt and Deb in S Philly on Saturday night. Just don't expect any crazy stories.)

Then next week it's back to business, because we're going live with the Canadian cities - our clients won't be using the information yet, but it will be active in our system for all the supervisors and the big boss man to see, so I will have to be on top of my shit. Sigh.

3 hours later, I've officially run out of writing steam (I seem to have run out of decent material approximately .5 hours in, lol. But never let it be said that I never let it be said.) I look forward to another post from you. They totally improve my days, so get on that shit!

Brotherly Love,


Monday, October 5, 2009

the long and winding road


I'm so glad you posted even though I didn't! Truth be told, I didn't even think to check the blog until last night - I've had a pretty crazy hectic week. Last Sunday morning after my last overnight shift - around 4:30am - I crashed the crap out of my car hydroplaning on the Turnpike. The road was really wet and I was going too fast...I was driving in the right lane and I felt the wheel catch and suddenly I was spinning out. I spun around backwards, hit the concrete center barrier and slid backwards along it, sparks flying for about 1/4 mile.

I'm totally fine - although my neck did hurt for a few days from the whiplash - but there was that moment where I was seeing the sparks and headlights coming at me and hearing the grinding of my steel rims on the concrete when I was just thinking, Am I gonna die? I guess I could be about to die...

Needless to say I was happy not to have died. Still, it sucked sitting in my car in the rain for 2 hours waiting for the state police and a tow truck - which by the way I had to pay $150 for because PA doesn't let AAA help people on the toll road.

Anyway, the rest of the week was made crazy by a) dealing with the fallout from crashing the car and b) starting my Canadian Traffic Editor position at work. It's funny that we were kind of making our work transitions at the same time! Also, I'm so happy for you that your work days are getting back to normal. 10-11 hour days?!? Nuh-uh, child, you KNOW I would not be caught dead working that long! Actually, I'm pretty sure that's physically impossible for me anyway, LOL.

So then Monday sucked, because I woke up around 10:30 to a missed call from work because apparently my boss was expecting me in 9-5 (instead of 1-9 which is my normal shift) plus I had to wait for my dad to get home from his half day so I could use his car. And then of course I talked to the mechanic, who basically said that if I wanted to keep using my car without repairing the body damage (which would have cost way more than what the car was worth) that the back door and trunk would be useless.

Arggh. I'm so glad that week is over, I don't even want to talk about it! Suffice it to say, between driving to and from work in rush hour traffic, adjusting to a daytime schedule - as opposed to my usual afternoon/overnight schedule - and planning to buy a new car, I was pretty stressed.

On the plus side, this is my new car!!

Pretty sweet, right? She's so preeeetty. I still haven't decided what to name her. Also on the plus side, since my full-time job came with an unexpected PAY RAISE (from $13/hr to $16.83/hr) I will actually be able to afford the payments without killing myself, LOL.

That's pretty much how I spent the last week - unless you count complaining about my new job. One of the Canadian cities we'll be covering is Montreal. Even though during the interview my boss informed me that we would be able to get all of the information for Montreal in English (in spite of the fact that the primary language is French), it turns out that was just a lie, LOL. I've spent most of my prep time here trying to figure out ways to prepare English-speaking editors to speak to police dispatchers over the phone in French (HA!) and read construction reports that are written all in French.

For the speaking part, I think it may be an insurmountable task since we'll have to be able to UNDERSTAND what the dispatchers are saying, not just read our questions from a script...but in the meantime it LOOKS like I'm doing a lot of work preparing the language resources, so maybe I'll get another raise next performance review! Haha.

As you can see, not much personal life news. The diet and exercise kind of got abandoned this week, due to neck aching, business and an abundance of house guests. First my cousins last weekend, a cast party for my Mom and Alex's play yesterday, and now there are repairmen taking over my room all week to repair water damage from an AC issue we had earlier in the summer. Next weekend I'm going to be THRILLED to have no more strangers running around my house!

Hung out with Matt and Deb (a couple of my bro's friends) a few times. They're cool people, funny, smart, political and LOVE chilling out with mota as often as possible, LOL. Also Deb is one hell of a shoplifter. Me and Ste drove up with them Friday night to see the play, and hung out afterward getting crunk and talking shit.

My favorite pastimes! Haha.

In other entertainment news, I am OBSESSED with "Glee" this new musical sit com that just started a few weeks ago. I might never have watched it, but Tom and Lorenzo, these two gay Project Runway/fashion bloggers I heart, reviewed it here and I'm so glad they did. I am such a fag! I love the biting dialogue, the absolutely kick-ass musical numbers (seriously) and also, not gonna lie, I'm kind of in love with Lea Michele (the super-Jewish female lead; duh.) LOL. So I know you're not a big TV watcher, but if you're interested (knowing you, interested to check out the hot girl! :P) you can watch the first five episodes on Hulu. Oh, I also watched the movie "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" and it basically made my life.

Have I bored you long enough yet? LOL. I promise to post more often now that hell week is over (fingers crossed) and I do want to talk more about your last posts, but this one is starting to get super-long and rambly, so I will post again soon.

Gah! I miss you. We need to have one of our hours-long philosophical discussions/story times ASAP. Until then,

-Don Bito

And I keep on going...

Hey Bro, so it's been too long... you should post something! What's going on in Phila?

Today I officially moved over to Claims in the insurance co. Doing both claims and client services for a month was a proper headache. Oh and training a new person. Average working day was 10 - 11 hours, then box for hour and a half, then commute hour and a half back home. So today, on my first day as a claims person, I left right at 6pm coz I felt like I had finished my days' job. And went straight to the gym.

Did I tell you I quit cigs three weeks ago, coz it just did't fit with tryna eat healthy and train to build fitness lol. I couldn't throw punches for a round without having to catch my breath and I really wanna see myself go the whole three min without stopping at all. hahaha I must sound silly.

Today one of the trainers offered to do a "play" spar with me, I don't know what you call in English but it's where the trainer just play defense and I get to punch all I want lol. Not easy as it sounds because they are quick, and you get frustrated throwing empty punches lol. But, the guy today, he wasn't just playing defense, he threw punches too and I was like oh shit haha. At first I could't get him and he kept saying like I can punch his face lol. Then I got a clean hit in his rib, then the side of his face and I think I pissed him off lol. He started to throw punches non-stop lol! He wasn't serious so it was fun, but it's the craziest sport man. I caught several taps on my forehead and chin... I would have been fucked if we were serious. The pros are always bleeding when they spar, some intense shit.

After that I had to just punch the bag with full power till it felt like my arms were gna come off coz I had so much energy left. It felt great, I highly recommend you trying man.

I really feel great these days! Last friday, I went out with my colleague's husband who just had a baby, and his sister from Chicago. I told you I haven't been drinking so much lately, but that night would've out done a night out in Philly. Jager, and unstoppable Imo-jyochu (Japanese liguor made from sweet potato), and downing beer like water, singing karaoke, don't remember getting home, but still went to work the next day to teach swimming to kids! ZOMG! Without a hangover too!! I know my friend came to pick me up at karaoke and drove me home, but I don't remember gettin off the car. I remember taking off my clothes to sleep, and then waking myself up to get ready for school. I was so sleepy, and then later figured that my friend came to get me around 3am from my text msg so I only had couple hours sleep lol! First lesson in the morning, I felt disoriented but then I was like so energetic with the kids it was great! I of course skipped the gym, went straight home, and fell face first on my pillow.

Anyways, I wana know what's up with you bro. Brain is going to shut down in 15 mins.

Peace and Love


Saturday, September 26, 2009

But I feel alive and I feel it in me up and up I keep on climing higher and higher and higher

A, bro, you know exactly how to make me laugh! I'm just out the boxing gym on my way home. It's 10pm and I'm beat sitting on the 60min train ride in my gym wear. I printed your post at work. This is the best kind of reading:)

I'm just seeing your horrified face reading about the hysterical date that I recently had. Haha! ya I'm glad I know the woman crazy right off the bat. The more I think of it, she made it real easy for me to quickly spit it all out before tasting anything more. I'm kinda grateful for the e-mail lol. Maybe coz I know I'm right. Thanks for your affirmation.

The good old Dalahk... I remember hugging you and hanging onto you like a dangling ear ring. I remember Jessye doing bridges and throwing a beer bottle and hitting some guy's car. Good fucking times. lol. On the downside I do remember feeling uneasy at Dalahk when Rachel was getting a fix of coca from some guy at the bathroom.

Ah Philly... the bittersweet.

Good to know West Philly and the things I'm fond of are still there. I remember waking up in West Philly many times... !! Many mornings on Jessye and Jess' old porch smoking cigarettes. I remember the coffee shop... was it called Satellite? I remember listening to the song Satellite in your car driving to West Philly in the morning to have coffee. Bumping into Corrine... I liked Corrine. I liked hanging out and getting stoned in West Philly. I liked the communal feeling.

As you might have sensed, I must admit that I still feel a stab right through my rib cage whenever I hear that name Rachel. I wish it would go away. My mind needs to reconstruct some memory associations. I am happy to hear she is well. It's the truth. The last I heard from her was when she left Cambodia and I don't know what she was going through but she did not sound happy, so no news is good news:)

Alyssa!!!!!!!!!! I did not see that coming at all! That Alyssa would be out in West Philly Dyke Dance Party!!! That is so awesome! And as much as I wish I was able to be out and about with you, I really wish I was there to party with Alyssa. It has been so long since I last saw her letting loose. Hahaha, I'm so glad you finally went out after not partying at all this summer!

What are Kim and Jessye up to these days besides West Philly Dake Dance Party? I really miss everyone and Philly man. Do you have any idea how much???? Ahhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrr. I miss you!

Hey man good to hear things are looking up there:) Keep it coming right?!?! I'm looking forward to hear about your full time position and just about your life man.

---That was from a scribble I did on the train home on Thursday. I read your Fall, 2008 letter Friday night and Kim is right in saying that we are all going to do something great with our lives.

Last weekend was a long weekend (5days holiday from Sat - Wed). I worked Sat, so mine was 4 days but still it was awesome! I had planned since last year that I'd use this holiday and my paid vacation to visit Philly... (it will happen soon enough!) If only things go as you plan... not always the truth.

Well a new plan was made short notice. Aki came over to Takarazuka!! She is working in Tokyo right now, so is everyone I know from school. Robin is also in Tokyo looking for work. I urged him to come with Aki but he needed to get ready for his trip to China. He has an interview and might start working there.

Aki came over Sunday night. I went to pick her up at the airport and we chilled at Takaraz. I had never explored around my neighborhood but there are cool places like bars and little restaurants. We had dinner at a River side Italian place then went to a Mexican Bar I found, then called it a night. On Monday I had planned to hook up with my friend Mie who I went to jr. high and high school with. If you remember Naoko who's also my high school mate who studied at Temple Main, she's close with both Aki and Mie and they all live in Tokyo. So Naoko has been wanting to get Aki and Mie to meet. So it was cool that it finally happened, and through me:) We went to Kobe Chinatown for lunch and pigged out. Then walked to the bay area and went on a little cruise around the bay. That was actually quite nice, it felt so good.

Yo I know my description doesn't sound so hot right now coz I'm thinking in Japanese in my head and it just doesn't feel natural. I usually think in English when I write English, but for some reason brain is on Japanese drive at the moment... okay well let's continue.

We walked around for ages around Kobe but still felt stuffed from lunch, so we kept walking and the girls wanted to look at clothes. Although we did spend the longest time in lingerie Mie kinda surprised me - I really liked her and got along with her for a long time but was never attracted to her before - I found her to be very attractive this time I met her. So strange, coz we know each other since we were little 14 year old brats. We are 25 now and I couldn't believe myself lol. Then I remembered about what you were saying about P and falling for the most convenient catch...

Well Mie left around 8 coz she had early appointment the next day. Aki and I continued to wander around Kobe some more. Still not hungry but tried to look for a good place to have dinner. I love walking around. That's how I got familiar with Philly... well Center City n the night life. I remember Heidi, Nygia, Devon girls would make fun of me walking all the time. To Sisters, back to Chinatown apartment. They said I was like an African Tribe person... lol

So we walked around Kobe and I loved it, but Aki probably thought can we not walk anymore?! We ended up in a small Korean restaurant which was very authentic. Had cold sweet Korean rice wine called Makkori served out of a kettle. It was so nice and easy to drink we had two kettles lol! On our way home, I kept having to wake Aki up to change trains lol, and when we finally got home she passed out on the floor in my room! I was like, alright Aki I let you take a nap while I jump in the shower and then you can freshen up with a shower too and we can have girl talk lol. But she never woke up really... she'd open her eyes when I talked to her and said she was getting up hahaha. She then said the ceiling was spinning. I gave her some water. Yo we gotta have some Makkori together man! hahaha. Then I smoked and watched TV, Rocky 2 was on so I was like damn that's Italian market!! and also passed out in front of the TV... when I woke up around 3am and went to bed, Aki was still in her jeans passed out. Gave her some abuse the next morning for being a bum lol! it was funny.

The next day Aki wanted to take a walk around my place. There's a river right along and rice fields and little farms up the mountain. You see now why my commute is like an hour and a half. It's really nice though, I have to admit. I've thought I want to move out and live in the city so many times, but I've also thought how glad I was to be living away from the city seeing so many little insects and creatures including geji. haha. In the summer a colorful lizard would surprise me by jumping out the bush when I'm walking to the station. See a river crab coming out and being run over by a bike leaving it's flat corpse on the little street.

So we walked around and Aki was picking up acorns off the ground and putting them in her pocket. Hahaha, she said they don't have them that big in Tokyo... (To be continued)

Hey Bro, I have more to write but it's getting late I need go to bed. Will update soon!

Love and Peace

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Letter to K, Fall 2008

Hey! It's been almost a week since I posted, so I thought I'd input this unsent letter I wrote you - geeze, almost a year ago now. Specific date unclear, but it looks to have been right after Thanksgiving last year. Funny how much has changed since then!


I'm sitting here in my armchair in my room (we've moved the old TV back upstairs for the winter. It's weird, writing you in's so permanent - I can't just go back and erase. Well, maybe this will be a draft. If I fuck it up I'll just have to start again...

Your letter may have been the best thing to happen to me all year. Primarily because, as years go, 2008 is a real stinker. It started off all right - with the experiment and, even after you left I had some good times with Zayne, stoner road trips, drinking champagne and tanning on the roof...when she left it really sunk in how many friends I'd lost track of in the course of the last couple years. It blows.

Anyway, it was really great to get your letter. RE: writing emails in your head: maybe we're both a little bit crazy! It was so great to read that line. Nothing helps a feeling of disconnect like hearing that my bro feels the same way I do even half a world away.

It was also great to hear that you miss my poems - maybe that sounds conceited, but that's not my intention. I've been writing pretty sparsely, still. If you thought I was becoming a shriveled-up hack when I was unemployed and stoned all the time, you should see what I've become now that I have this job. I work 40+ hours a week but I have no benefits. Lots of overnight shifts. On one hand, it's great that I basically get paid to surf the net for 8 hours at a time; on the other hand, more often than not I'm ready to stab myself in the face out of boredom, and it's damn hard to find "job satisfaction" when you're doing a job that quite frankly ANYTHING WITH OPPOSABLE THUMBS could do. Heck, if you took the mouse and keyboard out of the equation a prawn could probably do it.

So between that and my dearth of friends, not to mention a dearth of free time in which to see the others who work 9-5 jobs (Kim and Jessye), it has been a tad difficult to feel inspired lately. For more on my particular feelings of stagnation and desperation, if you haven't been you can check out my Myspace blog. I've been fiddling around with that again.

Angst aside, it isn't as if 2008 didn't have its salvagable moments. We went to the beach with Rich for a couple of days, but got so fucked up sunburnt that we were too tire to get fucked up drunk and go on the rides. And we made a separate, more mellow beach trip with Brian the Boy at the end of the summer.

So there's that. Missed you at Thanksgiving. Me, Ste, my brother and his friend were smoking a spliff out back and my Aunt Lisa came outside. I offered her a hit and she just said "Oh, you don't know how long it's been!" And started smoking with us. LOL! And telling us this story about her college friend who was a fisherman and how he found BALES of mota floating in the bay, and she got 4 of them and spread them out all over her room to dry.

You should have been there, it was HILArious.

I guess I'd better wrap up this letter, huh? It's getting to be an epic. I guess,in closing, thanks for reminding me that I should be dreaming big things for the future. It's really hard when I live without joy 5 days a week and am still struggling to pay all my bills. Kim said all of us were going to do great things with our lives; I replied, "Yeah, right. How?"

She just said, "You want to be a writer, right? So write things."

So my new project is trying to believe in the optimism you guys possess. It would be so much easier if we were all still close by. Missing you always, and looking forward to our epic fucking reunion,


(PS - I don't know about "poetry," but I'm enclosing some scribblings I composed to you and all my absent friends. Hope you approve.)

And the following was LITERALLY some scribblings I had done one morning when I woke up, so don't expect greatness, here. LOL.

i miss this.

waking up with words on my lips and friends in my room.

i miss mornings and sunsets and bob marley spliffs.

i miss grass and i miss rock and i miss rock and roll.

i miss fresh water and fair-weather friends, i miss wood and incense and blown glass

i miss cats and light in the dark and warmth in the cold.

i miss pressure and release.

i miss them, and i want them back. days back.

fall back, i miss lockstep and winter and summer and spring and i miss doing bad things at good times.

i miss knowing everyone and being seen.

and being scene. LOL.

for that matter, i miss when "laugh out loud" meant something and i miss dappled shade.

i fucking miss you.

i miss the stone works and the rock garden and the commune and the road and i fucking miss missing things and i miss parties and planning parties but not as much as i miss parties that are totally unplanned.

i miss that night. you know the one.

i miss us then, and i miss you now.

i miss unemployment even though i don't miss being poor. i miss playing hookey. i miss sour mix and i miss bourbon and i miss shiraz.

i miss ashtrays and rummy and rum.

say hello to my riesling life (and vodka nights).

Friday, September 18, 2009

I don't feel like dancin' when the old Joanna plays...

Oh, Keiko. Keiko, Keiko, Keiko.

That really is hysterical (and shitty) about your date. Reading your email exchange (both on Sunday and again today) I went back and forth between looking horrified (like, "Bitch, please!) and laughing smugly at this person who took it upon herself to tell you about yourself. And that pretty much sums up my reaction:

Bitch, please!

It sounds like you jumped on the crazy train to bad date-ville when you met up with her. A) of all - who is so much of a hater that the first thing she is gonna tell you after your date is that you had ugly shoes?? Thas crazy. Thas crazy. She crazy.

I obviously don't know as well as you but it sounds like you got another one fresh off the lesboat. I mean, to quote at length:

i have been going through a very difficult stage,trying to explore something in me, trying to be authentic and i feel so alone, alienated, scared and confused. so confused... and i had these ridiculous expectations that last night would clarify everything for me, that what im feeling would suddenly make sense

It's like, gee, Nevenka, you were hoping that this one first date with a person you met for 5 seconds in a dark bar was going to clarify everything for you? Well, no fucking pressure then, I wonder how the date could possibly have gone wrong?

I mean it sounds to me like all she wanted was to have sex with you so she could figure out if she was gay. Like you said in your response to her, why else would she invite you over to her place if, as she claims, you made her feel like crap the whole time?

You're spot on talking about her not being able to accept partial responsibility for the bad date. If she needs to send a nasty email full of haterade after a date just because she didn't get laid at the end, then she is a deeply immature person, which is really sad for someone who's 28. But I guess if she's going through some angsty coming out shit it makes sense that she'd be acting like a high school girl who just got turned down for the prom. Damn.

Anyway, those are my feelings on THAT shit. And in the long run, you're much better off knowing she crazy right off the bat - I mean, god forbid, you might have tried to be friends with her or something, and who knows what drama she could have spun from that. Oh, and one final thing: "that you identify yourself as a "butch" lesbian - was not a problem for me - you still manage to be really hot and sexy" ??

Like your gender identity was some sort of obstacle you needed to overcome in order to be attractive? Blrlrllrbbrlbrbrbl <<[Ed. note: this is the sound of me having a WTF seizure]

Bitch, PLEASE.

All right, I'm really done this time, lol. So, Saturday! I got out of work at 8 and headed to West Philly, to where Kim is living now, in one room of a huge house owned by a couple of friends of hers. Jessye came over, and we sampled some variable and listened to the Scissor Sisters (my new fave band EVER, btw) and tried to figure out a woman all three of us agreed was gorgeous. I had many suggestions, needless to say, but the only person we could all agree on was Rashida Jones.

Anyway. LOL. We left for Elena's, where the dance party is, around 11. We were headed upstairs, Kim in front, when all of a sudden she turns around and starts pushing us back down the stairs, whispering "It's empty, just go, go, go." For real, dude there were only like 2 people up there with the bartender and the DJ, it was kind of sad, lol. And we left the house specifically so we'd get there fashionably late!

So we went to Dalahk for a little while. It would have been nicer if it wasn't drizzling, but even so there were mad people there, even out back and we had no place to sit. Still, I was determined to get my drink on because I wanted to dance, and you know me and the whole lowered inhibitions thing. So I downed a Jim Beam and Coke, and then a couple of Jack and Cokes when they ran out of Jim lol. Oh, Dalahk!

A couple of notes on the drinkery situation: one, I'm getting away from drinking vodka all the time. I spent too many nights and too much money guzzling vodka for hours and never once feeling drunk until I would lay down and get the bedspins. I think maybe at this point my body doesn't recognize the difference between vodka and the blood coursing through my veins? Dunno, It's a mystery for another time. For now, though I'm a-stickin' to whiskey and the occasional tequila. But the second note is re: Dalahk: their prices came down again man! I paid $3 for the Jim and Coke and only $3.75 for the Jack. It's just like the good old days! Ahhh!

Haha, so after about a half hour of drinking we headed back to Elena's to see if shit ever jumped off over there, and wouldn't you know the place was packed with dykes. I don't get it, it's like all of West Philly Dykedom decided to get there at exactly 11:45pm. But whatever, it was poppin! Me and Jessye did Jack shots and I switched to beer. We danced when the music was good, and snuck out for cigarettes when it blew. We ran into Rachel and her gf, Linda, who both live in West Philly now, and YOU WILL NEVER GUESS. So I'm dancing and someone taps me on the shoulder and says "Hey, Allyn" and makes this gesture with open arms, like "It's me!" It was so dark all I could see was short dreads, and I was drunk and yelled "I can't make out your face!" And then she moved into the light and it was ALYSSA!!!

Yay!!! I was so super thrilled to see her again! Especially out and about, after her whole crazy thing with Kepa and being all super-Christian and wearing long drab skirts or whatever was up with that!! And as it turns out, the reason her dreads were so much shorter is she chopped them all off when she dropped Kepa. So now she's living with Rachel. We also ran into Corrine (who by the way looked all the fuck strung out or something) and Kistine and Johnny - you know, all those West Philly queers who are at every damn West Philly queer thing lol.

Anyway, they turned the lights on at like 1:50 - lame! But Linda invited me and Kim (Jessye had crapped out long ago) back to her apartment to keep drinking. So we shot the shit - as best we could, being most of us fairly smashed - and listened to music and Linda opened like 3 bottles of wine and poured us some absinthe. Eventually, Rachel passed out sitting in her chair, and Alyssa gave me a ride back to Kim's place. And OMG! You remember how we made each other mix CDs way back when? Well she had mine in her car stereo! LOL! And we just kept drunk babbling about how awesome we each think the other one is, and she was talking about how if Rachel ended up moving out, she wants me to be her roommate. I was just like, hell yeah! Maybe I won't end up living in my parents house forever! Haha. And it's even something I can start thinking about when I get bumped to full time.

Anyway, I seem to have written you something of an encyclopedia here. I guess that's what I get for not writing all week. Nothing much is up in other news. I continue to be doing well with my diet and exercise routine, although that, too, will be much easier when I have a regular work schedule (be still my heart!). I hope things are going well with you, after you rightly decided to spit that shit out after the date, lol. Any new adventures? Mischief? Holla back bro!

Things are looking up in the City of Brotherly Love,


Sunday, September 13, 2009

My horrible date, for your entertainment

Hey Allyn,

I met with the e-mail girl from the club I told you about the other day. We met for dinner on Saturday, and nothing became of it-was my view.

I didn't remember what she looked like, but from her e-mail I thought we'd at least have things in common to talk about. She is 28 from South Africa and had studied philosophy and journalism. I thought we could talk about philosophy etc. lol.

At dinner, she asked me questions non-stop and gave me the looks. Sort of like an endearing stare. Which would have been sweet in a different situation, but was very freaky on a first date. She had also said that when she saw me at the club last week, she thought that I had a "Fuck all, I don't care" kinda atmosphere and very much like Shane from the L word. and that that was very hot and sexy. hahaha!! Then it was getting pretty late, so she asked me if I had any plans later. I wanted to go to this gay bar called Frenzy, coz I'm friends with the owner I just wanted to say hi. Of course I asked her if she wanted to join me for a drink. Manners right?

I also stated that I had to catch the last train so don't intend stay so long. Then she said her gay friends were going to a costume karaoke place and she wasn't sure if she wanted to go coz they'd stay out all night. She asked if I did karaoke, and I just said no coz I didn't feel like it.

In the most awkward timing, she said, "Or if you want, you can stay at my place."

After I said I have to go home tonight, she suddenly bacame even more awkward and insisted that she pay for dinner because she totaly asked me out. I felt bad so I said of course I'll pay half but she didn' let me. And all through walking her to the station, she was very awkward and jumpy.

I said bye, and went to Frenzy mingling with the gay men. It was all men last night lol. Then I was drunk so became lazy to leave to catch the last train. My friend picked me up at the bar and I smoked this thing called Spice Diamond in his van. It's illegal in the States but sold in Europe and Japan legaly. It's meant to be burned as an incent, but gives the same kinda high as mj when smoked lol. Stopped at another bar and went home.

Sunday, at about noon I wake up. Still lying in bed I see that I have a text message from the girl that read:

"dear keiko

last night was the worst date of my life-not because it was with a woman,but because it felt like i was with the most typical self-absorbed, narcissistic man

ok-so you were clearly not attracted to me-perhaps i was too "fem" for you(or whatever else?) but do you know that the whole night you only asked me 1 question-how long hav u been in japan?

to be honest, i thought your shoes were ugly and i hav a policy not to date smokers (only realized when we met u were one) ...but i still had the manners to engage with you and well try get to know the keiko beyond the unhealthy habit and bad taste in shoes!

i have never left a date feeling so unrecognisedand so insignificant as i did last night-i guess drained would be the right word... i used to think that it was only men who could spend the whole night talking about themselves-without reciprocating a single question. clearly i was wrong.
that you identify yourself as a "butch" lesbian -was not a problem for me-you still manage to be really hot and sexy...but i think its a pity that you have also taken on the qualities that make men so undesirable. last night i wanted to go on a date with a woman but it felt like i was on a date with a man (of the worst kind)

i guess i came to this date with unrealistic expectations...well... i thought that if there werent a mutual attraction (which clearly there wasnt) at least we could still be friends...intellectually i find you fascinating and we seem to have some common interests ... however i already have so many "i-specialists" in my life would be unhealthy to add another one.

i am sorry and disappointed that it didnt work out and i hope the next person you meet you wont judge so quickly.
there is so much more to me than you allowed yourself to see.

anyway-all the best-i hope we both find what we are looking for...
take care


At first I was like huh? and then realized that I must have obviously shown my disinterest in her. I was speechless! I seriously felt bad that this woman was so upset. At the same time I was glad that she brought it to my attention. But then when I was writing a response, I was like this woman crazy! So my response was as below:

"thank you nevenka.for last night and for ur comments.

i have never been judged so harshly in my life.i am sincerely sorry that u felt all that are a beautiful woman w an interesting background.a free spirit.confident and comfortable in ur own skin.

to b honest, i did not feel comfortable at all.i tried to act like i was.and just talked about myself.

but i was not judging u.and did not realize that u were judgin me in n glad i did not go home w u.if i made u feel unrecognized and so insignificant, why did u offer me to stay w u? just to feel worse?

i appreciate ur comment.those r ur words not mine.and surely wil not b a part of me.but i take it as a bad review and u r a harsh judge.

at least i will not blame the other person for a bad date..

i expect not to hear from u.

i would say hi if i ever run into u.



It occured to me that clearly this woman have insecurity issues. So I thought that I should write something nice, although somethings she said were like kinda stuck up. and what the fuck she mean by too "fem"!!? Why would I not like her because of that? lol. And I did not say anything about butch lesbian... lol, she fuckin categorized me. that really pissed me off. and then my shoes lol! I was wearing Tims... some people may think they are ugly boots but I like them so she can piss off. I felt no mercy by this time. Too bad it was a bad date but I have no mercy for a self-pittiful person and especially one who wants to blame it on others.

What do you think bro? So much for tasting new food ey? hahaha. Man, people can be craaaaazy right? I just wanted to share this with you. I know you'd be entertained! :)

"dear keiko

i am sincerely sorry for sending that email and when i woke up this morning and realised what i had said-i was so embarrassed at how impulsive and nasty i was. please know that it was out of character for me and am ashamed at how cutting my comments were...there is no excuse for my email but please know that i was incredibly upset last night...i have been going through a very difficult stage,trying to explore something in me, trying to be authentic and i feel so alone, alienated, scared and confused. so confused... and i had these ridiculous expectations that last night would clarify everything for me, that what im feeling would suddenly make sense...instead i left feeling absolutely broken and more confused and scared than ever...

dont worry, i doubt thatour paths will cross again soon-im not planning on haning out in doyama again-i dont think i belong or perhaps im just not ready...but if we do ever bump into eachother i will of course say so sorry for dragging u into my dark world and for making my problem yours!

its not necessary to reply to this email...too much has been said and too much damage has been done.

im really sorry.

good bye and take care


So that was my date this weekend... anything good on your end?

Peace and Love,


ps. sorry i know i already sent this to you like last night but thought it's pretty blog-worthy lol!