I met with the e-mail girl from the club I told you about the other day. We met for dinner on Saturday, and nothing became of it-was my view.
I didn't remember what she looked like, but from her e-mail I thought we'd at least have things in common to talk about. She is 28 from South Africa and had studied philosophy and journalism. I thought we could talk about philosophy etc. lol.
At dinner, she asked me questions non-stop and gave me the looks. Sort of like an endearing stare. Which would have been sweet in a different situation, but was very freaky on a first date. She had also said that when she saw me at the club last week, she thought that I had a "Fuck all, I don't care" kinda atmosphere and very much like Shane from the L word. and that that was very hot and sexy. hahaha!! Then it was getting pretty late, so she asked me if I had any plans later. I wanted to go to this gay bar called Frenzy, coz I'm friends with the owner I just wanted to say hi. Of course I asked her if she wanted to join me for a drink. Manners right?
I also stated that I had to catch the last train so don't intend stay so long. Then she said her gay friends were going to a costume karaoke place and she wasn't sure if she wanted to go coz they'd stay out all night. She asked if I did karaoke, and I just said no coz I didn't feel like it.
In the most awkward timing, she said, "Or if you want, you can stay at my place."
After I said I have to go home tonight, she suddenly bacame even more awkward and insisted that she pay for dinner because she totaly asked me out. I felt bad so I said of course I'll pay half but she didn' let me. And all through walking her to the station, she was very awkward and jumpy.
I said bye, and went to Frenzy mingling with the gay men. It was all men last night lol. Then I was drunk so became lazy to leave to catch the last train. My friend picked me up at the bar and I smoked this thing called Spice Diamond in his van. It's illegal in the States but sold in Europe and Japan legaly. It's meant to be burned as an incent, but gives the same kinda high as mj when smoked lol. Stopped at another bar and went home.
Sunday, at about noon I wake up. Still lying in bed I see that I have a text message from the girl that read:
last night was the worst date of my life-not because it was with a woman,but because it felt like i was with the most typical self-absorbed, narcissistic man
ok-so you were clearly not attracted to me-perhaps i was too "fem" for you(or whatever else?) but do you know that the whole night you only asked me 1 question-how long hav u been in japan?
to be honest, i thought your shoes were ugly and i hav a policy not to date smokers (only realized when we met u were one) ...but i still had the manners to engage with you and well try get to know the keiko beyond the unhealthy habit and bad taste in shoes!
i have never left a date feeling so unrecognisedand so insignificant as i did last night-i guess drained would be the right word... i used to think that it was only men who could spend the whole night talking about themselves-without reciprocating a single question. clearly i was wrong.
that you identify yourself as a "butch" lesbian -was not a problem for me-you still manage to be really hot and sexy...but i think its a pity that you have also taken on the qualities that make men so undesirable. last night i wanted to go on a date with a woman but it felt like i was on a date with a man (of the worst kind)
i guess i came to this date with unrealistic expectations...well... i thought that if there werent a mutual attraction (which clearly there wasnt) at least we could still be friends...intellectually i find you fascinating and we seem to have some common interests ... however i already have so many "i-specialists" in my life here...it would be unhealthy to add another one.
i am sorry and disappointed that it didnt work out and i hope the next person you meet you wont judge so quickly.
there is so much more to me than you allowed yourself to see.
anyway-all the best-i hope we both find what we are looking for...
At first I was like huh? and then realized that I must have obviously shown my disinterest in her. I was speechless! I seriously felt bad that this woman was so upset. At the same time I was glad that she brought it to my attention. But then when I was writing a response, I was like this woman crazy! So my response was as below:
"thank you nevenka.for last night and for ur comments.
i have never been judged so harshly in my life.i am sincerely sorry that u felt all that negativity.you are a beautiful woman w an interesting background.a free spirit.confident and comfortable in ur own skin.
to b honest, i did not feel comfortable at all.i tried to act like i was.and just talked about myself.
but i was not judging u.and did not realize that u were judgin me in n out.im glad i did not go home w u.if i made u feel unrecognized and so insignificant, why did u offer me to stay w u? just to feel worse?
i appreciate ur comment.those r ur words not mine.and surely wil not b a part of me.but i take it as a bad review and u r a harsh judge.
at least i will not blame the other person for a bad date..
i expect not to hear from u.
i would say hi if i ever run into u.
It occured to me that clearly this woman have insecurity issues. So I thought that I should write something nice, although somethings she said were like kinda stuck up. and what the fuck she mean by too "fem"!!? Why would I not like her because of that? lol. And I did not say anything about butch lesbian... lol, she fuckin categorized me. that really pissed me off. and then my shoes lol! I was wearing Tims... some people may think they are ugly boots but I like them so she can piss off. I felt no mercy by this time. Too bad it was a bad date but I have no mercy for a self-pittiful person and especially one who wants to blame it on others.
What do you think bro? So much for tasting new food ey? hahaha. Man, people can be craaaaazy right? I just wanted to share this with you. I know you'd be entertained! :)
i am sincerely sorry for sending that email and when i woke up this morning and realised what i had said-i was so embarrassed at how impulsive and nasty i was. please know that it was out of character for me and am ashamed at how cutting my comments were...there is no excuse for my email but please know that i was incredibly upset last night...i have been going through a very difficult stage,trying to explore something in me, trying to be authentic and i feel so alone, alienated, scared and confused. so confused... and i had these ridiculous expectations that last night would clarify everything for me, that what im feeling would suddenly make sense...instead i left feeling absolutely broken and more confused and scared than ever...
dont worry, i doubt thatour paths will cross again soon-im not planning on haning out in doyama again-i dont think i belong or perhaps im just not ready...but if we do ever bump into eachother i will of course say hi...im so sorry for dragging u into my dark world and for making my problem yours!
its not necessary to reply to this email...too much has been said and too much damage has been done.
im really sorry.
good bye and take care
So that was my date this weekend... anything good on your end?
Peace and Love,
ps. sorry i know i already sent this to you like last night but thought it's pretty blog-worthy lol!